Seven Wonders

Oh my lovely ladies, it’s been so long. I wrote blogs for every week I didn’t blog, but they came out too emo and too sad. I don’t take break ups well to say the least. But I made my own bed. And as soon as I thought I was okay after the cruise I came home to see corbin was going with Lauren to sadies, which I predicted…but it still pains me to think about it. I just have to get consumed with everything else, that’s the only way I’ll make it.

So onto the upbeat-ness. This summer, you all probably won’t see me too much, because I think I am going to work at a camp! Yes, a camp, a summer camp…but don’t worry, it’s an all girls camp I am looking at. Ha. Boys need to just chill for a while.

I just got back from my cruise. Pictures are up on facebook but here are some highlights.

*Hiking through a cave in belize.

*Zip-lining over the jungle in Costa Maya.

*Singing karaoke in front of a ton of people I didn’t even know on the ship.

*Green pina coladas on st. patrick’s day.

*Margaritaville

*My mom winning bingo and her prize being a free 7 day cruise.

*Good times had by my whole family.

*No technology whatsoever.

*Being very tan.

I am loving my support-group at college of friends, and I have gotten really tight with some people, which I love. Unfortunately, I have also made a few enemies and this week I am really going to try to fix it all. I just keep messing everything up I swear. I just need to breathe and know that everything happens for a reason and that it’s all going to be okay.

Sorority is actually going better now too. Many girls quit and it’s very different this semester. I am going to wait and see how it goes next year. I am too scared to try out for the dance team now. Plus my cousin is threatening never to talk to me again if I quit (stupid, I know, but still).

Yea, so with the whole corbin thing, I broke up with him. It was a combination of his blatant disgust in faith and God and all of that, and distance, and no time, and the other factor being another guy. Yes, I liked another guy while dating corbin, and I didn’t act on it until the night before I broke up with him. I texted corbin the famous “we have to talk” and all he could say is “uh oh famous last words” and “let’s just talk now and get it over with.” In my upset state, I kissed this other guy, and felt so terrible when I realized I still had feelings for corbin. I didn’t want to put him in my mess, so I broke up with him anyway….which I keep telling myself is for the best. I came back to school as an absolute mess, and told the other guy I didn’t like him, but somehow we still ended up making out for many nights before I just stopped it all together. I told him I was not over corbin and I couldn’t do that to him and it wasn’t fair. He doesn’t care and he’s sticking around, but I can’t date him when I don’t know what I want. Meanwhile, I’ve had other random boy encounters, but nothing I really want to talk about. I loved the cruise and being away, because I didn’t have to think about it, but now that I am back, my stomach twists in knots every time I mention it and I feel like throwing up. I just want the perfect guy to come along (of course) but at this point, I think I am better off without boys. I can’t handle another heartbreak, and I don’t want to love someone again only to end up feeling so hurt. So that’s the “short” version of the story there.

Overall, school’s busy, but I like it that way, and I am busy…but it helps my mind rest, and I am just taking it day to day and breathing all the while. Sorry it took so long to blog, I just, I really couldn’t before, and I can’t say I am the same old “trina” anymore which scares me. I need to “find myself” so to speak, so I hope I come upon some kind of epiphany soon before I mess up everything again. I swear I am trying to do the best I can, but somehow I end up so disappointed in myself at the end of the day cheating on my boyfriend, leading another guy on, lying to my friends, drinking when I know I shouldn’t be, being very selfish, not thinking through my actions, saying mean things…I keep saying I need to stop, but it’s not quite happening. But I am hoping now that it’s on the table, now that I’ve admitted to all of it and nothing’s a secret I can slowly build back to a better person. I just…I don’t know how I got here…but I have to get out fast.

And in that way I know corbin and this other guy are better off. They don’t deserve me and all my dumb mistakes. They deserve so much better, and they both thought I was this different person, this better person, but I’m not. I just need to keep busy and stop getting myself into more trouble. If anyone told me a year ago that this is what would happen with my life, I would have never believed it. Now that I am here, I just want to get out!