Seven Wonders

I'm in need of a good old fashion sleepover. (And a big hug.)

Who's with me?

Now is a time for the Wonders to rally.

Keeping Jan, Lauren and the other Saby's in our thoughts and prayers. <3

I hope to see some of you at the funeral and this weekend.

Keep praying. <3

Love you all

Well. Sam and I broke up last night at 12:30 in the morning.

I broke up with him mainly because he has been unsure about our relationship lately and he isn't even sure if he loves me anymore.

I don't know whats gonna happen. I am very confused. I still love him, obviously. I just would really like to know that he loves me too... A really big part of me is hoping that he'll realize what he's missing without me and realize that he really does love and want to be with me. But I don't know...

I am going home this weekend because I don't want to be here. I've felt alone here all year and it will only be ten times worse when I don't even have a boyfriend to talk to.

I wanted you guys to know whats going on with me, but please don't go spreading this around.

I wish you were all here. You are still all the best friends I've ever had and being without you all when I'm hurting really sucks.

Hi my lovelies!!!!! I haven't talked to you all in so long, and I feel terrible about it. So, I will try to catch you up on my life as best I can.

I am graduating next year first of all :) yay! That being said, this semester is proving to be very taxing. I currently have multiple tests every week, a 25 page research paper, and I am student teaching at Middleton Elementary in Woodbury. Don't get me wrong, I love being busy, I just feel so "professional" to say the least.

My weight gained this summer has been reluctant to leave, but is slowly coming off. I now have countless meds to take to get my system back to normal, and I have had many doctor's appointments as well. I have been gluten free and dairy free for a few months now. I also am on prescription strength vitamin D, and I am anemic as well. With all the craziness, I just try not to think or talk about it as much as I can, although I don't think my mother has the same mentality. Of course, she's only looking out for my best interests.

I am now in the NSSLHA organization and sorority so I have meetings almost every day of the week, do service projects on weekdays and weekends, and other than that I am usually in the library. My friends got pretty upset that I had no time for them (which was true) and I have been trying to balance everything as best I can.

Grace is my roommate and one of my best friends. She's been having a really tough time this year and I never thought I would be dealing with the piercings, losing her virginity, drinking all the time, crying fits, anorexia, and depression. I just want her to get well and I am trying to help in any way I can. Some of my friends and I suggested counseling so she's going every Friday now. Another one of my friends is having anxiety problems and is dealing with being put on meds. There's some other friend drama too, and I am trying to be there for support, but it's hard sometimes to know exactly what to say. I just try to be a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen to.

If you've crept my facebook, you would see I am dating someone. His name is Dan. He was the boy right after Corbin. Turns out we never stopped liking each other since last year. Things have been going amazing, and we've been dating for about a month and a half. I love his family too, and his new puppy Roxy. Dan is really sweet and I sometimes I catch myself getting too head over heels for him. I am just glad it's going well. And don't worry, my v-card will be in tact a longgggg time ;).

So that's the highlights. I feel so bad I am not updated on all your lives. I hope to see the majority of you on Thanksgiving so we can all catch up!!!!!

Hi friends!

It's been a while so I thought I should update you on my life. Or at least the important things in my life right now. And I have to warn you, the majority of it isn't good news...

I went out with Corey (the usher from my cousin's wedding) once and it was just weird. Like, he's so much older than me and we're at such different stages of our lives. And I just didn't feel any kind of a click. This happened the same week I last blogged. Since then, he's been texting me and keeps asking to go to dinner or something again. But a) my life is so busy right now I really don't have time to try and make something work when b) I really don't want to. So he's not really getting the hint. : /

Lately, I've had little to no motivation to do anything besides sit on my couch and internet surf, watch tv, or read HP. Which is taking it's toll on my schoolwork and CA work. But I feel like it's somewhat justified with how distracted I've been because of the next few things...

Okay. I really don't know how to go about this. There are two really... not fun things I feel like I need to fill you in on especially since some of you know parts of it and others don't know anything. But I don't know in what order I should tell you. Because they both kind of happened at the same time.

Basically, last week was a really bad week. As in, probably the worst week of my life. Okay. I'm just gonna tell you chronologically.

Sunday Oct 24.
One of my good friends, lets call her Mary, tells me that the night before, she had sex with this guy, let's call him Allen, I had started kind of crushing on. Only kind of cause he's actually the floor president of G1 so I was like, hm, probably not okay. But anyway, she tells me this and I'm just shocked. Because they had only met once before, she knew about this semi crush, AND she lost her virginity to this guy. Only later, I found out that she was DRUNK drunk and he was high. So no, this was not consentual.

Monday Oct 25.
Mary tells me more details. This happeed off campus, she hardly remembers anything, and there were complications. As in, she had to go to the ER because she was bleeding so much and so heavily for almost 24 hours afterward. She also said she was thinking about reporting it because her roommate told her it was technically rape (which is correct, by the way) but she didn't want to make a big deal out of it because "drunken sex happens all the time on the weekends" (true but that doesn't mean it's okay for sexual assault). Mondays are my busiest days so I didn't even get back to my room until after 9pm and then I knew she was feeling shitty so I went over to her room to talk to her and she told me she was not reporting it and asked me not to either (seeing as I'm a CA). I didn't tell her I would or wouldn't report it.

Tuesday Oct 26.
I have my 1:1 with my Hall Director, Joel. He asks me how my weekend was and I told him about Mary and Allen. Immideately he goes into Hall Director mode and takes out about 4 big binders of info and I tell him everything I know quite reluctantly. At this point I'm feeling like complete shit because not only am I "telling on her" but also I have to think about it some more. I'm still shocked and just... it was the weirdest, worst thing of my life. I was shaking and everything and this didn't even happen to me! Anyway, it breaks Joel's heart when I tell him it was Allen because he had been doing such ad awesome job as floor president and we were all sure he'd be an amazing CA eventually. And then our 45minutes were over and I had to work the front desk. But we weren't done talking about it. I had to meet with my area director (one step above hall director), Jamie and Joel together to talk about the incident and what I knew. They told me I should have called the Hall Director on duty as soon as I found out about it Sunday night but that's about it as far as telling me what I should have done. Both thanked me for reporting it and told me I did the right thing. Jamie also asked me to talk to Mary that night telling her she needed to make an appointment to meet with him asap about it. So I did. She cried. She was pissed. She didn't want anyone else to know about it and she didn't want anything to happen. But I explained to her she had control over the situation and they just needed to know about everything and whatever. At the end of our talk she said, "I'm really pissed off at you and just really upset right now. But I know someday I might be thankful. But right now I'm really really not." Which is what I was expecting.

Wednesday Oct 27.
Joel suggested I go to the counceling center to talk over everything that had happened the past few days because it was definitely mentally taxing on me. And I jumped at this chance because I had been considering going for a while but I was just too nervous. For the past year or more I guess, I've been monitoring myself and about 3 weeks ago I went online and took all the online tests on the counceling center's website and all of them came back with the same result and the councelor confirmed that I have clinical depression. I was on the boarder of severe but since I'm not suicidal, it didn't push that limit. Anyway, my councelor, Miranda, she told me to go to health services and find out if I qualify for medications. And she scheduled another meeting for me the next week.

Thursday Oct 28.
With everything going on, this was a "normal" day.

Friday Oct 29.
We didn't have classes cause it was considered our "fall break." So Joel and I rescheduled our 1:1 to talk about actual 1:1 things rather than just Mary's stuff. We had a really really good conversation about where my social/personal life ends and my CA life begins and where the line is etc. And we decided that there is no line. It isn't black and white but a WHOLE lot of gray. And we talked about how CAs live in a fishbowl. And being a CA doesn't end when we step outside the doors. We're always a CA. Whether that's in the dorms, in class, around town, or even at home. So this conversation is great, right? And then at the very end, Joel decides to tell me I need to have a meeting with Jamie again to "discuss my future employment." Why? Cause I didn't report the Mary situation properly. As in when and to who. So basically, at this meeting [which is happening next Thursday (not tomorrow)] I'm going to get a warning, be put on probation, or get fired. Joel said all these nice things and he said that if it were up to him, I wouldn't be fired but he doesn't make that decision. He said he'd be fighting for me and he said Jamie would be too. But idk what the deal is. So that night, I think I had a total of 5 breakdowns. It was a bad day. I have a 1 in 3 chance of being fired. Which is not okay. I need this job. It makes me happy. So Mary was pissed at me and wasn't talking to me and on top of that, because of her situation, I could lose my job. Awesome. Luckily, my CA friends Kristin and Alex were there for me and let me cry and stuff. Which was weird for me cause I don't cry. Epecially in front of people. So... yeah.

Sat and Sun (including Halloween) therefore sucked. I couldn't get that out of my head.

Monday Nov 1.
I had my appointment at health services and I had 8/9 of something so I def qualified for depression meds. So I am no officially on Prozac. But I guess it doesn't start working for 2-3 weeks. That night, Mary asked me if we could talk again. And we went to dinner in the caf and just talked things through and we're good now. Which is great. She was pissed when she found out my job is on the line and wants to help but there's nothing she can do at this point.

So now I'm just waiting for next Thursdy to find out what the status of my employment is. And no, I'm not okay about it.
I also have yet to tell my parents about my depression stuff... And I really wish I didn't have to. Cause I'm sure they're going to be disappointed that I'm not who they thought I was. But the doctors appointment was put on their insurance. The pharmacy here didn't accept our pharmacy card though so I just paid for that myself. So maybe they won't have to know? I don't know how that works. I'm thinking I'll just leave it alone unless they ask about it. They know I went to the doctor for something cause I asked them something about our insurance but they don't know why.

Anyway. Those are the things going on in my life right now. I hope everyone is doing well and we should all really get together over Thanksgiving if we're all home, yes?

I don't really have anything that important but I feel like I've told a few of you a few things and I don't want anyone to be out of the loop haha :] but a lot of this will be review. there will be a test to follow.

Ok, ok. I'm finally blogging. Sooooo I have a house for next year, pictures will come soon! It's beautiful, old but it'll be soooo cute and i'm living with Mal and my friend Katie and Kayla and my other friend David are living in our upstairs "apartment." And not a whole lot else has happened, I have pretty much been buried alive in homework and classes go everyday from 8-5 or 6 for me which is a struggle...I like my photo and design class much better than last semester though. Also Garrett came to visit this weekend? I know, right. So weird. Eric and I also went to dinner at Red Lobster and it was soooo good :] I'm coming home next weekend but a lot of my time will probably be occupied with Rusty. But if anyone's around I could probably (hopefully) find time for some coffee or something. Otherwise I won't be home again until Thanksgiving. It's too hard to come home when all of my work has to be done on campus computers :/  Love you allllllll <3